No matter how much two people have in common, they will always be different in significant and in tiny ways. The question isdo you feel free to speak up and deal with issues that bug you, hurt you, scare you when your partner behaves in ways you don't like? Or are you afraid that speaking up will threaten your relationship?

If you fear that speaking up will make a problem too huge to resolve, then you are voting for your fear and your lack of value. Do you get that? Your fear won't let you engage in a discussion about changes that you want (and we ALL want some changes in the course of a long term relationship) and you are insisting that you aren't worthy of having a voiceonly your partner is to be valued!

The other day Jim was touching up some paint on a chair rail molding that he'd put up in our hallway upstairs and he was standing on a new antique carpet runner we'd just purchased at an auction here. When Judith saw this, she was horrified for fear of a paint spill and shocked that Jim would take such a risk.

"Jim, please don't ever leave anything valuable around when you've got paint."

"I'm being careful," Jim answered.

"OK, but most accidents happen when we're being careful, Judith replied. Please don't do it."

In response Jim rolled up the rug and said to Judith that he wouldn't do it again because he wanted her to be comfortable and not worried.

If Judith hadn't spoken up she would have stewed over how dumb Jim can be, how his parents were dumb not to teach him to protect things and she would have continued to build a private case against Jim, little by little distrusting him more and more, undermining our relationship. That's the destructive power of not speaking up!

Love works because it is based on a continually created relationship, in which both people are loved for who they are and feel safe to risk speaking up.

Don't cheat your love by hiding your complaints or desires. It needs the fertilizer of your speaking up!